I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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