Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
