ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
