Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
