I hate your face
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
