Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
