My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
