bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
