she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
