his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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