God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
