But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
