blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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