I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
