Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
