HIV tests are more positive than that guy
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
