He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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