Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
