I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
