I think I died a long time ago.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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