Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
