did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
