my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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