I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
