just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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