using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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