yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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