I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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