Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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