oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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