I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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