Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
