Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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