When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
