You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
