dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
