just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
