I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
