if i can run in heels then i can drive
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
