6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I smell stomach acid.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
