Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
But we have bathrooms and they dont
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
