ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
BRING THE BAGELS
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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