Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
