I'm lost and stupid without you.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
