i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She's not a foreskin expert like you
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
