a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
