Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
