Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
