i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
