I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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